SOME GOOD REASON TO HAVE SEX

He explained it to me as if it was a mathematical problem with a simple solution, “Two attractive people like you and I, who are comfortable with each other, oh, why not have sex?” My jaw almost dropped, but I didn’t say anything. Apparently, now a days, you just need to be comfortable to hook up with someone.
Hmmmmm, if I would have sex with everybody I am comfortable with … I wouldn’t get anything else done …

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DIVORCE YOUR STRIPPER

Customers come and go. As a stripper you need to not attach and accept that nothing lasts forever in the human world. But some regular customers make a more dramatic exit than others. Most of them go through a pouting phase. From showing up regularly every week (or even two or three times a week) for many months or years they all of a sudden skip visits. Some will excuse it with long, complicated explanations — well, you know when explanations are too long and too interwoven that something’s fishy. Others will just not show up and eventually disappear forever. But the dramatic breakup ones are the interesting cases. There are many ways to break up with a stripper. Some threaten in their own ways. They keep mentioning that one day we will make love or have sex. When there’s no response or agreement from the stripper’s end they will try to offer shopping trips (of course the good old lingerie shopping trips, yawn), dinners, lunches, … anything to get you out of the club where you won’t be able to resist their sex appeal. But when you’re still able to resist all of this … then the real breakup appears. Some throw a fit, others claim that they are going through a different life phase and they might not visit anymore (keeping the door open in case they don’t manage to stay away — after all, for most of them we are the most exciting thing in their lives), and some do breakup as if we were dating seriously or are asking for a divorce.
While I understand that leaving your stripper can be traumatic, I still believe that most of these men are stuck in wishful thinking. Many of them are married or live with their partner. Many are looking for marriage, or at least think they are, till they get a girl who does want them till death do them part. Then these men will run and return to what we offer: Non-committal therapy and sensual excitement. But only that and not more. But the “not more” is most of the times what attracts them the most, however, most of them don’t know that, and they can get angry, since they feel they invested into something they will never own.

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NO LAP DANCE PLEASE

This customer type thinks he’s very smart. He will tip you mediocrely on stage but will tell you that he doesn’t do lap dances, because he would rather “connect” to you outside of the club. Sometimes, he also reinforces the point that he does not pay for sex or sensual dancing. I hate to break it to you, Mr. NoLapDance. If you don’t dance with me inside the club you will for sure never dance with me outside of the club. Dancing for a man is a natural way sorting out the good and bad ones. Not doing a lap dance with your stripper will get you nothing except the label: Cheapo no danco!
The tricks guys play to get laid often make no sense at all and aren’t good nor fun tricks either 😛

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NICKNAMES MEN MAKE UP FOR THEIR WIVES

It doesn’t just happen in strip clubs, but of course, we get a concentration of this phenomena since we meet many married men during one shift and have a bigger turn around at the club. But in general, many men change the name of their wife when they meet a beautiful woman. Before entering the club they sometimes make the effort to take their wedding ring off but most of them don’t seem to bother when re-naming their other half.
Here are just a few wife replacement words I have heard from different men.
My mother, my boss, my cousin, the lady next door I help out, my ex-wife, my aunt.
My personal favorite is “friends.” The wife turns into friends. The commitments and responsibilities come out of being a good, reliable buddy not wanting to flake on your arrangements and promises with your friends. So this wife replacement word hits two flies with one strike. It camouflages the wife and shows the other woman you talk to what an honorable person you are. Well, let’s hope they are somehow friends in some way.
Typically, you would go with your boss, cousin, or friend to the strip club but these fictitious people never show up.
The next time, you are in the strip club don’t bother crafting stories about your wife especially if you are wearing your ring. We have heard it all, and we understand your dilemma. You are not going to get laid no matter how many ‘friends’ you have.

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HOW TO GET A STRIPPER TO COME HOME WITH YOU

This customer type thinks he is extra smart and can outsmart a stripper. One of his strategies is to sit all night and promise a dancers to do a lap dance later. He will still tip her on stage — which is nice and appreciated — but never actually go and do that lap dance. Then, when the shift is over and the lights come on, he will complain, “When will I get to see you again? I want to get to know you better. Can we do our lap dance now.” By that time it’s too late to do a lap dance, but he’s hoping the girl of his choice will break down and go home with him to do the lap dance there in the privacy and comfort of his own home.
Another strategy this type tries, is to do the lap dance when the last girl is called on stage. He thinks the one dance will get his girl so hot and bothered she won’t be able to resist to go home with him, drooling for his body, craving for him to run his sweet — often from alcohol and cigarette smoke stinky — tongue all over her exhausted body, wanting to suck … you know what, and so on and on.
This category of customers also includes another top notch stripper trickster who thinks if he comes in right before closing he will be spared the duty to tip the dancers but gets to take one home anyways since she might not have a ride, is too drunk to make decisions, had a fight with her boyfriend and is looking to get back at him by hooking up with a random stranger, or forgot where she lives, or maybe she’s homeless after all.

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PRODUCER TELLS STRIPPER HER STORY ISN’T SCREEN WORTHY

I’ve met a few producers as well as book agents in the strip club during my years of stripping. Let’s talk about the producers today. All of them were very interested in my book, they admired how well written it is, and all of them wanted to produce my story into either a film or TV series, possibly both till they found out their promises and big plans for me even as the star of my own story — because who else could play Jones — wouldn’t get them into my panties. When sex with me was out of the question, and I had victoriously defeated the casting couch, my story all of a sudden became “not screen worthy.” But some of them still wanted to help me with this project or another if  “we could become friends …” They wanted to still team up with me on some type of project. Whatever that is suppose to mean.
Interestingly enough, I have only heard the “not screen worthy” comment from men. How can anybody say to any woman her true life struggle isn’t screen worthy? Every woman’s journey is screen worthy, sadly most women do not manage to put their incredible story on paper, because many of them are too busy trying to survive, tend to their family, their children, or life is just too much, or they are too busy supporting their producer husband’s career and fame.
But every woman has a screen worthy story, and the sooner the male dominated film industry understands this the more good movies with female leads will hit the box office.
Long live Geena Davis, and her Hollywood women empowerment crusade.

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STIFFY IN THE STRIP CLUB

This customer is also a regular of yours. He has come to visit you at the club for months, even years. You know you can trust him. He has always paid you for the dances he has done. He might not be very generous but you think he would never stiff you. But then, one night, he does stiff you. He gets drunk, does 10 dances with you and pays you only for 3 1/2 dances. He says, “This is all the money I have.” You, “Well, you need to go to the ATM and get the rest.” Him, “I can’t my account is overdrawn. I didn’t know how it works.” How can he all of a sudden not know how this works, although, he has done this many, many times. What can you do, you let it go. You don’t want to make a big deal out of it, after all, he’s become a friend and regular over the years. You think, he will come back on your next shift and pay you what he owes you. Instead, you get a text about 30 minutes after club closing, “Hey, Jones, I got the cash now.” He thinks you are going to be stupid enough to go to his house and pick up your money and possibly an STD along with it. MEN!

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HOW THE BEAST ENDS UP WITH THE BEAUTY

I had been the last girl out on the floor at the end of this shift. Most girls had already left, and there were only 4 girls in the dressing room left when I walked in. As usual, at the end of the shift, some stripper secrets are revealed. Tonight, they were teasing Dina, who I find to be one of the most gorgeous dancers I had ever seen. She’s an exotic beauty. Her face and body are perfectly proportioned. She’s very feminine with beautiful subtle curves, a captivating face that is hugged by her luscious, long, eye catching hair. A natural, exotic beauty; a stunning woman. Ariella was laughing and yelling, “Jones, oh my Gosh, should see Dina’s boyfriend. He’s so ugly. He’s fat, with a wide, giant head. His head is huge; he’s so ugly. And look at her, she’s so beautiful. She is so gorgeous. I just wish I would be an ugly dude so I could have sex with Dina.” The other girls agreed, “yes, he’s so ugly, you can’t even describe it.” Another dancer, “Dina, how can you want him. Look at you, you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. He is so ugly.” They were laughing. Dina just sat quietly on her chair with her head bowed down and tried to justify her choice defending her man, “But I love him. He … he’s good to me. He treats me well. He’s a good person.” For a moment there was dead silence in the dressing room till we all exhaled a giant gasp, “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!”
And with that the girls moved on to the next subject. Because there was nothing more to say or laugh about. We strippers cherish a man who treats us well. We read men much quicker than most other women do, because we meet so many and learn so much about them in such very little time. We understand how rare it is when a man ‘gets what he wants’ but still treats you well and doesn’t morph into a trophy bragging asshole. Most of the time sex changes a guy into taking you for granted and trying to play a power game. We stripper understand the difference between lust and love. And when we find love with the right man … it doesn’t matter whether he’s ugly, fat, awkward, or strange. Because we know how rare love is. That is how the beast ends up with the most gorgeous beauty.

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HOW TO GET A STRIPPER INTO BED

Offer to serve her an exotic drink at your house. Once she’s at your house she won’t be able to resist your charm, manly scent, and man tool. You can also offer her to stay over because you have a water bed. She will jump on that opportunity to spend the night in a real water bed. Because how many people who are not stuck in the 70s still have a water beds. You can also bait her with gourmet food. Remember, a shift at the strip club is physically demanding, and she will be hungry when she gets off. Another good reason for her to come over to your house is if you brag about your sexual skills and how you will send her to the moon. She will most likely invite herself over if you can include a little sexy hip thrust and wink. If you feel she’s a little hesitant, offer to pay for her taxi in the morning so she can get safely home. A ride in your Porsche will do as well as a date on a boat. Strippers like to be rocked by waves or be stuck in traffic in an expensive sports car. Drugs work well too. Just provide her with a variety of choices at your house, and it should be a piece of cake to proceed from there. Just be creative. Offer her something she desperately wants: a spray tan, a manicure or pedicure, a little massage, a Brazilian waxing, a makeover, or just a haircut. Hot tubs. Everyone loves hot tubs. If you have one at your house or apartment complex invite her over for a dip in your hot tub but don’t forget to tell her no clothes allowed ;-). The list is endless. Be intuitive and find out what she likes and desires the most.

In my case, the most assured way to get me into bed is by giving me a stomach virus or influenza.

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