Couples do many things in order to try to light the fire again that has long died and got buried under the ashes of daily life, fighting for bigger and more, and trying to keep up the perfect white picket fence illusion. It seems one partner is always the one who sacrifices their own interests, passions, and believes in order to save the marriage. I call these “bonding rituals.” I have seen couples run marathons and triathlons for dear life, although, the sacrificing partner hates these activities. I have seen them do extreme cleanses, enemas, complete health tune ups, although, the sacrificing partner didn’t really want to do it but thought following the driving partner’s believe and choices would bring back what was lost. Bible studies, extreme volunteering schedules, remodels, new, matching cars, wardrobe makeovers, extreme diets, outrageous vacations, making another baby … are not going to make you tear each others clothes off and engage into ravenous sexual activities.

These desperate bonding rituals are really just a diversion from what’s really going on and what couples don’t like to face. They distract from the real issues, and I have never seen any of these work. Instead, they will backfire. Because the sacrificing partner will give up more of who she/he truly is, and the driving partner will lose sight of the person that they are losing more and more through these bonding rituals — the person they really fell in love with. I think it is very hard to rekindle lost passion, but if it might be possible to win it back, then certainly not by trying to be someone else. Don’t forget who you are, and why you fell in love with someone.

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