His text blasted through my little flip phone like a whirlwind, “I love your poetry, but I am concerned about your melancholy.” Hmmmm, he was reading. I didn’t know he was reading. I never know. I was wondering about it, but in the end, I never know. Of course, I couldn’t resist to text right back, “Why is that?” Without hesitation another blast came through, “I always envision you eternally happy. Strong, independent, driven, in control.” I knew, text wasn’t the right way to communicate about a complicated subject like this. And I knew right away as well, that this would get me writing once more. Yes, I do have to admit, he had been my biggest inspiration for over three years now. And although, our communication had always been limited to the most basic, I would just write the things I couldn’t tell him. It was almost as if I didn’t have a choice. I had to write.
So, what is it? Strong, happy, independent, in control, driven, self-sufficient, and eternally happy? Yet, at the same time so sad, only in control of myself, not able to control other people’s actions, driven as if the devil was chasing me, forced to rely only on myself, because no one was ever there I could rely on. Never weak, but when you break through my iron shell, so soft and gentle, so sensitive. That’s why I had died so many deaths before. Life, love, and circumstances had slaughtered my sensible soul many times, but no one knew about it. No one even suspected.
I am a woman of duality. I believe, without being able to cry bitter tears, we are not able to laugh uncontrollably either. Without weakness and sorrow, we aren’t able to be strong and resilient, capable of making the best out of any situation, no matter what life serves you. Without passion and fire, there is no tenderness and calm. Like the ocean, I carry many facets inside of me. My weakness is to long for a shoulder I could lean on, my strength though will proof to me I can do it on my own. Maybe the difference between me and others is that I appreciate all the different emotions my heart carries inside of me. Even the fact that I can hate and crave revenge like no other human I ever met, yet, always aware and in control of my emotions. Well, that is almost always in control of my emotions. Not always in control when I would be in his arms … and as much as I loved it, I didn’t like at all losing control. I am whole. I own my emotions. I like my weak side even more than my incredible strength, love my tenderness as much as my skill of seduction, power, and passion. I am day and night, brewing hot, and ice cold, full of fire to inflame you, and the ice to sooth your burns. I am water to wash away your sorrow, quench your thirst, and make you drown. I have a sharp blade that can be used to cut bread or to slice a piece off of your heart. I am strong enough to catch us both, but always too weak to resist your kisses. I am your fantasy and my reality. I have to live with me, you get your life from me. Because my duality, and the fact that you can never catch me, gives you what you didn’t even know was possible.
But most importantly, I am not afraid to feel, breath, and live to the fullest.
Jonesing for more? http://www.amazon.com/Tilt-Diary-Of-Virgin-Stripper/dp/1257802860